Tired

I was typing a facebook status and unexpectedly ended with "I'm growing tired of fighting."  That sounded so depressing, but that's not how I meant it.  Still, I'm tired of fighting.

I did the surgery.  I went back to work as soon as I was allowed.  I did chemo.  I lost my hair.  I dealt with side effects.  I kept working.  I got tired.  I tried to do all I could while wanting to sleep.  I started radiation.  Everyone told me how much easier it was than chemo.

It is easier than chemo.  But it's not easy.  I wake at 4 each morning.  I work for 2 hours, and then go to radiation.  After that, I return to work for 6 more hours.  My skin is raw.  I look sunburned, and I have areas that look like raw skin from a sunburn gone bad.  I'm so tired that I slept for 9 hours last night (thank you, Kevin) and it didn't help much.

People see that I'm done with chemo.  People see that I'm working full time again.  People see that I'm moving on.  All of this makes people say things like, "I'm glad it's over." and "I'm so glad that's behind you."

Let me tell you one thing:  It is NOT behind me.  I fight every day.  I fight every minute.  I put up this brave front while trying to work full time and hold my family together.

Say what you want, but this is NOT over.  It won't be over until I can live one full day without cancer smacking me in the face.  I don't see that happening anytime soon.

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